Depression and Anger

When I first looked into writing this blog I though I would write it in third-person perspective as I now specialise in anger, stress and emotional management. But depression and anger was a big part in my life so I will write this as a sufferer of both. 

I left school with one GCSE above ‘C’ in art, attended three colleges, a failed year at university and had around 20 different jobs. Then in my early twenties I slipped into depression. I had lost my identity, my self-esteem and confidence were at rock bottom and my life was going nowhere. 

Did I think anger played a part in me becoming depressed or compounded the symptoms, no not for one minute. Did I shout and scream or get aggressive, no. Aggressive aggressive behavior is only one end of the spectrum; the other end is passive aggression. Both can have a major impact on individuals’ lives and the people around them. The passive side by its nature can be hidden and for some they don’t even know the effect it is having on them.  Anger is part of our lives; it’s a natural feeling and it’s only in the way we express it that makes it healthy or unhealthy. When I got angry I felt I didn’t want conflict or confrontation so I held it inside of me. I didn’t have the words of the means to express myself in a healthy way, so I ‘contained’ myself. 

I looked to the outside world to help me, which we all need but with low self-esteem I relied on other to make me feel better about myself, rather than take responsibility of my own life and actions. I had needs such as being heard, belonging and to be understood. When these needs were not met I felt frustrated, and part of this was anger. Why couldn’t anyone understand me, why can’t they feel how I do and no I can’t just snap out of it! When I look below that anger now I found hurt and below that fear. My fear is that you (a person, society or the world) won’t meet my unmet needs. This fear drove feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness, three things that defined my depression.  We need to meet our own needs and not assume it’s the responsibility of others. Communicate these needs to others; people are not mind readers. 

Another aspect of my depression was shame. Healthy shame is an emotional signal to say we have and will make mistakes, it gives up permission to be human. Toxic shame is the belief in the statement ‘ I am fatally flawed’ and I experienced this in the sense of absence and emptiness. Toxic shame is paradoxical and self-generating; there is shame about shame. I needed others to make me feel better about myself but when they did I didn’t believe them, I was in a cycle of suffering. The only way out of toxic shame is through. There are no short cuts and all the avoidances (bypasses and self-anaesthetisation) are ineffective in the long term. I was not even aware this was happening to me and only now I can look back at my life can I understand the part shame played. But embracing my shame would involve emotional pain and pain is what I thought I was avoiding by not looking at it. We need to change our shame from being internalised to externalising it.  Healing the shame is simple but difficult. People will readily admit guilt, hurt or fear before they would admit shame. 

I look back at how stress played a part in my depression. Stress is different things to different people. To a mountaineer it is the challenge of going to the limit to achieve a demanding goal. To a homeward bound motorist it can be the hassle of traffic and exhaust fumes. To me it was what finally got me out the bed in the morning to get to work. I suffered by not having too much stress in my life leading to distress, but too little. Hypo-stress is little known and it can be very subtle, but it can be just as harmful as too much stress. I was withdrawn from the world into myself and bored, unmotivated, lethargic, restless and knowing what might help me but could not be bothered to do it. People looking into my word might have seen me as lazy, unsociable and hard to talk to.  Stress is an unavoidable part of our lives just as anger is, but it needs to be balanced. 

I joined the Royal Navy in 1999 and served twelve years. It started to build the two foundations of emotional health, self-esteem and confidence. My depression still has it’s effect on me now and always will, but having experienced it I feel it has made me a stronger person. Depression is a complex mental health illness and one that is unique as the individual suffering from it. In my personal and professional experience anger and stress are two common themes that run through it and working with them can be a significant factor in promoting recovery. 

Externalise your depression, I held onto mine trying to think my way out of it, but that made things worse. Talk to someone and communicate your needs. 

Thank you for reading.

Mark runs an anger and stress clinic covering the South West and South Wales, and is affiliated with The British Association of Anger Management. His website is www.Beatinganger.com/Bath where you can find a free and confidential anger and stress test as well as a ‘Keep your cool kit’. Mark is also on twitter @angerinbath and Facebook – Beating Anger Bath.

Tasha’s story

Going through depression will always be the hardest thing I’ve been through, but it’ll always be the thing that made me mature and grow stronger. 

I’ve suffered with depression for the last. 1-2 years. It started at the beginning of my GCSEs and it was a really tough time and then I recovered, and decided to use my story to inspire another girl out there who was going through the same thing and I never wanted another person out there I go through what I went through, to feel alone, and not seek help. So, I decided to publish my story in Shout magazine’s  Be You-nique Confidence Campaign. It was tough being open about depression, but I wanted to make a difference.  

Then, I relapsed in February after going through a really bad breakdown spending Chrismas, New Year’s Day and my 16th birthday in tears and depressed and had to cancel my Sweet 16 birthday party. I then, at 16 had to make the decision to put myself on medication which was the toughest decision I ever had to make in my life. At 16, I shouldn’t even be making decisions like that – I always thought the biggest decision I’d make at 16 was what dress I was going to wear to prom or how I wanted to spend my summer! 
A lot of people think that going on medication for depression is a coward’s way out and isn’t dealing with your issues properly. I don’t think that all – to be honest, medication doesn’t magically cure depression. It’s not like some magical happy pill. I still have to work hard everyday with recovery by undergoing therapy sessions, keeping healthy, managing stress and keeping fit.

I love running early in the mornings. I literally love getting up at 6am and starting my day running. I’ve just started running two miles every morning to help me recover from depression and to help keep me focused during exam season

It is so therapeutic, I love waking up, and energizing my body running and watching the sun come up and peacefully running through my neighborhood enjoying the scenery. It just calms me down and relaxes me of all anxiety and I just release all that negative energy and replace it with endorphins to start my day by running. 

Not only have I noticed I’m losing weight – I’m a lot calmer, more awake throughout the day and have so much more energy because of running in the mornings. And I get so much more school work done and manage the stresses in my life because I have a clearer mind set from running

Depression will never define who I am; I’m not a disorder, illness, an emo or a weakness. Fair enough, it is something in my life that has affected me greatly and that will be always be a part of my life. But, it will never define who I am as a person.

My actions that I take to deal with it and overcome it; whether it’s recovering or  how I deal with stigma is what defines me. My outlook and perspective is what determines what will happen to me and the actions I’m going to take. It’s what I do with my experiences and how I deal with them everyday is what defines me.

I now run a blog called Run Therapy (runtherapy.tumblr.com) where I blog about my personal journey of recovery,fitness,health and well being. I find it so amazing I have over 1000 followers I inspire just by talking about my personal journey, and is so rewarding to turn all those negatives into positives. Through my blog I got to speak to my inspiration, Demi Lovato and she told me “Your health comes first, ’cause without it you can’t accomplish anything” 

And now I am in training to run half a marathon to raise money for the Blurt Foundation in October, which I’m nervous about but very exciting! And replanning my Sweet 16 birthday party as Demi says, “Recovery is worth celebrating”

“I live to inspire, I think that’s kind of what makes recovery worth it and God’s purpose for me in life, so God inspires me everyday

I still have nights I cry myself to sleep, I still have days I don’t believe in myself, I still have times when I fear the future and I still have moments I feel hopeless

But, I’m healing and I have a lot of love and support in my life to keep me going…”

If, like Tasha you’d like to get involved in running and be part of an amazing team (even if we say so ourselves), there are still places left on our Thirty Blurters team, click here for more information.

John’s story

It’s at its worst when I think I’ve escaped and it grabs me again.

Actually, it’s worse than that.

When I’ve escaped the deep lows which make me sullen, moody, uncommunicative; when I’ve managed to assuage the incessant nervousness, anxious feelings, butterflies, I’m not conscious that I have escaped.

I escape purposefully, using diversions: the main one is my music which has taken me into the top ten of the Indie charts in the USA and which continues to be a huge part of my life.

When I get the headphones on and start to mix a track, I forget. My mind is occupied and doesn’t have time or space for negativity.

More recently, and confusingly, gardening has become a diversion. Theoretically this lets my mind wander and usually, a wandering mind leads to bad places, what ifs and maybes. But when I’m gardening, it doesn’t seem to go there.

Of course, the diversion ends and I think this is what marks a depression/anxiety sufferer out from someone who’s having a bad day.
When the diversion is gone, my mind finds something and the downward spiral of negative thinking, anxiety, low mood and the bottom starts again.

I quit my City of London PR job to tackle my alcoholism back in the nineties.

I had been a reporter on small local newspapers, a regional newspaper news editor and then a reporter on various Nationals in “Fleet Street”.

I thrived (I thought) on the pressure of deadlines, the stress, the stretch, the uncertainty, and the human contact.

Wise men have since told me my ”problem” – what a euphemism – drinking started because I was psychologically unable to cope with those things.

A succession of Psychiatrists and Psychologists – say the drink fed the depression.

Now, I CAN live contentedly. We live in idyllic rural surrounds where – for the most part – the world is viewed from afar.

But my head has other ideas. Right now, I worry over the Work Capacity Assessment – form sent, awaiting inevitable rejection and get low over the need for an appeal.

Today, for this day – and now – I’m ok. What I need the world to know is, I’ll look the same tomorrow, even if the Black Dog then has me by the throat.

I don’t look ill. But I am. And if the black dog has me in his grip, I’ll have butterflies buzzing like angry bees, not just in my stomach but right up my body to my throat.

I’ll be unreasonable and short-tempered with my loved ones, unable to concentrate for more than ten minutes at a time.

If that continues, if I can’t escape it, I’ll get morose and just sit – staring at nothing for so long that my wife will frequently call my name to make sure I’m “ok”.

All I know is that, if the world would just leave me and the things I need be, I’d be fine and bother no-one.

Of course, it won’t: so I turn to my greatest friend outside my family: the serenity prayer I first learned in the AA rooms in Brighton:

Look it up and ignore the “God” word if you wish. Read the sentiments.

It’s the line about “things I can control” that often, spoken silently, keeps me going. And I will keep going as we all must. We are worth it!

Take a look at this website http://www.coquet-shack.com/ for information about John’s music.

Self-employment/ Self-worth

I’ve been meaning to write this article for a while, and there’s just never been the right moment; right in the sense of the right time, as well as the right reason. Being self-employed, as anyone who is employed by themselves will tell you, means it’s never really the righttime for anything. Unfortunately this also means if you have mental health issues, there is never a right time to have a meltdown.

I became self-employed in March 2010 after a trip to the Job Centre. I had a nervous breakdown in October 2009, after working for ten years in a well paid part time job. For varying reasons too complicated to go into here, and which now seem totally unimportant, I wasn’t eligible for ESA because I was deemed ‘not unwell enough’ by the benefits advisor. Unfortunately, I was also deemed ‘not able to work’ by a doctor and a psychiatrist, and therefore could not apply for JSA. 

It amazes me now that the ‘official’ answer to this was going self-employed. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but luckily I was writing a blog every day at the time, so here is a snippet from the day this all happened. I’ve left it exactly as it is. 

“Obviously they have seen the extravagant lifestyle we live in – i.e. selling everything I own in order to eat, and making things out of recycled stuff so I can sell it and buy materials for my art course.

My only option is going self employed. Man at job centre said I can get £50 a week for 4 months if I go self employed. Hopefully by the end of July I should have got my arse in gear and be making enough each month to cover the food bills. I need to make sure I book plenty of craft fairs and make stuff to sell at them, and keep all my receipts and everything.

For someone trying to avoid stress, this seems an odd choice to make, and an even odder piece of advice to be given by a professional” 

Fortunately, for whatever reason I became self-employed, it was the right decision, and I never would have made that decision on my own. Making things with my hands had helped get rid of the side-effects of varying medications, and selling them to friends and family was already giving me validation and self-worth. 

I started out slowly, booking craft fairs, selling on websites, and eventually having a concession inside a larger shop. As my health got better, I did more, and if my health slipped, I did a little less until I felt myself again. I now run a whole room inside the same shop, managing different designers’ work, as well as using it like a studio to make my own jewellery. I’ve won an award, new friends, and most importantly self-respect. 

Self-employment can seem the last thing you should be doing when your mental health is suffering;  I certainly thought it would not suit me in the slightest. At the start of 2010, I was unable to make decisions about what to eat, wrote lists to remind me to have a shower or brush my teeth, and seemed to be totally dependent on other people in one way and another. 

However, the longer I spend self-employed, the more I know it’s right for me. Being my own boss gives me control over my own life, instead of waiting for someone to tell me what to do. Having to earn my own money instead of waiting to see which benefit I could be eligible for gave me a much needed push; at the time I felt like it was off the roof of a building, but now I realise I had a parachute all along. 

To read more from Chloe, you can catch up here Http://pesky33.blogspot.com and www.lifesbigcanvas.co.uk or follow Chloe on Twitter www.twitter.com/peskychloe.

Blurt interviews Ruby Wax

At Blurt HQ, we’ve all experienced depression in some way so we appreciate the value of the work Ruby Wax does for others. Using her sheer genuity and wit, she paves the ways for others like us to speak out about such a debilitating illness.

We were so excited to interview Ruby and she didn’t disappoint – as funny and warm in real life as we’d hoped she would be.

Do you think that you coming forward with your story, helped others come forward and talk about their depression?

I get people from the audience, for about three years people stood up that hadn’t spoke, who hadn’t done that before. Everybody that does it is one step further other people saying it. It’s seen as a secret I think it’s true of the public too.

Your stage show “Losing it” with Judith Owen has been a great success but did you ever have any fears about how it might be perceived based on the stigma surrounding mental illness?

Oh yeah we played it in mental hospitals for a year and a half before we took it to the public so we could iron out stuff that would be offensive.

What is your guilty pleasure?

*chuckles* porno! My friend Erin is here and I wanted to make her laugh.

At this point Dom (who was interviewing Ruby) is in stitches, don’t think he expected that answer

Holidays. It saves me a lot of money on holidays, I feel so guilty for not working.

What are your plans for the future? Have you got anything in the pipeline?

Tomorrow I go to Cape Town to do a show called Lost It which is just me, Judith isn’t doing it and I do that for three weeks and then I am going to write a second show.

What advice can you give anybody starting out in the world of acting and stage?

Oh that’s a horrible one.

oooh sorry

With my daughter I say, see how they get on in drama school because that will give you a clue of how good they are. On the other hand it doesn’t really determine it either, but I’d say really test the waters to see how good you are.

When did you first realise that you had depression or an inkling that something might be wrong?

Oh something was wrong when I was a teenager but we just didn’t know what it was so I thought it was physical, well it is physical but I used to kind of go into a coma for a few days, but I was awake so we knew something was wrong but we didn’t know what. They kept insisting it was Mono  (Infectious mononucleosis)  or glandular fever.

Back in the day, it just wasn’t recognised back then like it is now was it?

No, not at all. Not at all.

What would you say helped you the most with your depression?

Realising that what I had was depression, I was really happy.

How do you cope with your depression now?

Well I do mindfulness. I study it. If I do it everyday then I can tell if it’s coming up. That doesn’t make it go away but I can tell when it’s coming and then re-adjust dials which exacerbate it.

What made you decide to go public with your story at the time when no one else had come forward?

We were doing this show for an institution. Also, Comic Relief used my picture in a public poster, so they kind of did it. I didn’t really ask them to do that.

You had a massive response from the poster, I remember it on the underground wasn’t it?

I was really horrified. Every time I saw it I hurled myself infront of it but there were just too many to hurl in front of so I gave up.

Do you think that we can change the stigma associated with depression and mental illness?

If people keep coming forward. I know they are anonymous in the beginning but if people come forward and then we all have the same idea and then you can change the laws. Unless people come out then nothing is going to happen.

How do you like to relax?

I like holidays that somebody else pays for

Ruby is saying that as she laughs in her cheeky way

It was an absolute pleasure to interview Ruby. We were interested to hear about future plans for Black Dog Tribe which is a website Ruby has been heavily involved in. Black Dog Tribe is a portal of information and support for those affected by depression.

Ruby expressed how she doesn’t want Black Dog Tribe to be thought of as her website but rather run by the people for the people.

Riding the recovery rollercoaster by Paul Brook

No offence to Ronan Keating, but I don’t usually turn to his songs for lessons about life. However, he had a point when he said ‘Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it’, and, as I’m discovering, that same lesson applies to depression.

It turns out that recovering from depression is, in some ways, like riding the Big Dipper, a famous rollercoaster in Blackpool. It isn’t a smooth ride – it has big ups and big downs, and a few dizzying bends thrown in – and those big dips make your stomach and head feel pretty weird. The differences between the Big Dipper and the Big Depression are:

• You don’t know when the latter will stop and let you get off, or even where it’s going.
• You didn’t choose to get on it.
• Many people enjoy the thrill of a rollercoaster, but nobody enjoys depression.

Life may be a rollercoaster, but sometimes, given the option of just riding it or not, I’m sure I’m not alone in sometimes wishing I could step off for a while and have a breather. Anyway, I’ve always been a bit timid when it comes to rollercoasters. It’s something to do with being really high up and then plummeting down at great speed – much like my own experience of trying to recover from depression.

Once I’d had my first round of counselling and was feeling better, I assumed that meant I was on the mend and I was full of optimism. I felt so good this time last year that I started to reduce the dose of my antidepressants, but my moods began to darken again and so the dose went back up. I tried again a couple of months later, and this time it went well. Hurrah, an improvement! I’m getting better. Yay! So down goes the dose again, but not for long, because along comes a prolonged period of stress, and the dose goes back up again. Up and down goes my mood, down and up goes my medication. Then came a difficult situation and a big drop – time off work, increased medication and a second round of counselling.

My problem was that, while my first round of counselling had sorted out a lot of problems, such as boosting my self-esteem, realising that I wasn’t a failure and starting to look forward to things again, there were still some lingering issues that my evil alter-ego, Paul Brookes, had kept behind in his secret vault. He knew I still worried what people thought about me and he knew I still felt the need to excel at everything, as if trying to prove something. He knew that I didn’t feel good enough. He unleashed these missiles of misery with great glee last autumn.

This experience is summed up in a line from Learn My Lesson, a bouncy tune from Rizzle Kicks’ debut album, Stereotypical:

The art of learning lessons is a lesson that I’ve never learned.

I knew the same things that Brookes knew, but I hadn’t learned from them and hadn’t tackled them adequately. With the benefit of hindsight, a second round of counselling, some reading and support from friends, I’m a little wiser and am trying to learn my lesson so that I don’t have to go through it all again.

Reassuringly, the more I read and learn about depression, the more I realise that this rollercoaster recovery ride is completely normal. There will be good days and bad days. I can feel capable of anything one day and nothing the next. On a good day I can be full of fun, ready to take on the world. On a bad day, I feel like a liability, a burden, and my dark moods overwhelm me – like a grenade packed with fury and bitterness that could blow up at any moment.

Two things I’ve read recently have been particularly helpful to me in realising that a bad day doesn’t mean a catastrophic failure and a dramatic slide back into the great pit of doom:

It is the nature of depression itself that your progress will inevitably be both slow and erratic. (Sarah Medina 2002, Light: a way through depression, Lion Publishing)

Recovery isn’t, unless you are very lucky, a smooth path upward. If you try to hurry yourself to full recovery, the process can be very turbulent indeed and take an age. If you do everything right, there are still usually a lot of ups and downs along the way… (Dr Tim Cantopher 2003, Depressive illness: The curse of the strong, Sheldon Press)

So let’s not kick ourselves when we’re down. The recovery rollercoaster will rise again soon, and one day, the ride will stop and we will be able to get off, breathe a sigh of relief and go for an ice cream or a doughnut.

If you’d like to read more of Paul’s work, you can visit his blog http://dippyman.wordpress.com/ or follow him on twitter @PaulBrook76

Cate #runitout

It is official: I’ve committed to running my very first half marathon this year… So it looks like 2012 really will be the year I take on my life! 

Having been diagnosed with depression at the age of 18 I really did think the world was out to get me.. That finger of doom pointed down at me deliberately and the black cloud hung around me for the sheer kicks of seeing me cry every day. It got to the point where I was ranting about how ultimately rubbish my life was to my mum, crying hysterically and generally stressing out my family (including my kid brother and sister). It wasn’t until about 2 months after I’d seen the Doc and been diagnosed with depression that I realised the amount of stress and pressure everyone in my household was under because I couldn’t handle life.  It was true that the battle was far from over and for me, I’m still soldiering on, despite coming off my anti-depressants!

But during my struggle, I reached out to my friend Ali and through her I discovered Jayne and the absolute babes that run The Blurt Foundation… I think that what they do at Blurt is amazing and I am 100% an ambassador for them. As I wrote in a previous post here, I got into running a while back, and as a result I have found myself catching the running bug! 

THAT’S RIGHT: I, CATE, WILL BE RUNNING A HALF MARATHON FOR THE BLURT FOUNDATION!!! 

I shall be donning my lycra and strutting my stuff in Oxfordshire on October 14th 2012 for an awesome charity! Wish me luck– I’m going to need it! Maybe I will see you there?  

And so it begins: My journey to the full 13.1 miles! 

#thereislight … and I’m your living proof!  

Muchos love, 

Cate x

Zoe’s story

For the majority of my teenage years so far I have been suffering with mental health problems and depression has completely stolen 3 years of what should be 3 of the best years of my life and made them the worst and I’ll never get them back but it’s taught me so much that I will take with me for the rest of my life! 

It’s so hard to think of the first trigger of my depression but when my great grandad died I never ever dealt with it. I took this pain and emotion out on myself through self harm. I tricked myself into believing that I’d only do it once but 3 years on I’m still doing it and struggling to control it!   

I thought self harm would be enough to get me through and not let me get any lower but my depression took over and dragged me further down and no-one had any idea I was depressed because I’d hide it until I was alone which is when the tears and emotions came out. I got very, very low and tried to drown myself, I’d never felt so alone and all I could think was that I would be better off dead and that life was pointless. About 2 months after this happened I told a friend but no-one else and she has stuck by me ever since which I will be eternally grateful for and she is now like sister to me! As I sunk further into depression I got more tired but couldn’t sleep, had no energy but still didn’t eat, had no motivation to do the things I used to love and generally felt like a completely different person … Someone who is characterised by depression! 

Since my first attempt at suicide I have taken several overdoses and the most recent one landed me in hospital because I panicked and had to tell someone, I’ve never felt anymore guilty than I did that day! 

Just over a year ago a teacher from school found out about everything and my parents have been involved ever since, which has also been a massive help! She has been amazing and supportive through everything and will drop anything to try to help, as have my parents and multiple other people that I simply wouldn’t be here without! One of the hardest things for me is seeing how the things that I’ve done to myself have had a horrible impact on other people, but they’re the ones that keep my fighting! 

I’ve been in therapy for over a year and my depression has lead on to anxiety, OCD and a mild eating disorder (anorexic tendencies.) 

Depression has both torn myself and other people apart but it has also brought us together because it’s hard to fight alone and although I’ve pushed people away they’ve never left me and no words can thank them enough for that! 

Because of the number of times I’ve tried to end my life, it often feels very surreal to still be here and I can feel very alone even in a room full of people. The only word I can use to describe this feeling is ‘floating’ because it’s as if no-one sees me and I am watching them live their lives whilst I am in another world. 

I find it extremely difficult to do basic human tasks, even eating can be a struggle. I can’t look in the mirror because all I see is depression and a body that I don’t like but I hope that one day I’ll see something completely different and be happy just the way I am! 

Although still tightly in the grasp of depression and fighting daily to win against my demons I’ve made some huge steps in the right direction towards my recovery! Anyone with depression has no need to feel ashamed because I certainly don’t, it’s part of who I am and I’ve learnt to accept that and I want other people to accept it about me too, however I hope that one day it will not be apart of me at all and I can get rid of my demons that have so much control over me. The fight seems never ending some days and sometimes drains every bit of life out of me but I want to keep fighting to prove to not only myself but everyone else that I can defeat this horrible and invisible illness, I won’t let it defeat me! 

I’m trying to rebuild my life from its complete breakdown to be the genuinely happy person that I used to be as a young child. I’m trying to take control of my depression and the compulsions that come with my OCD rather than them controlling me … They’ve caused enough damage as it is!

Whatever people think of anyone who suffers with depression I believe that the only opinions that matter are the ones that come from the loved ones that really matter to that person! There is a huge stigma around mental health problems and the people suffering deserve so much better than to be judged on their illness … There’s so much more to a person than an illness and I wish people would appreciate that! It’s not easy having an illness that you are forced to try to hide because of the shame that you feel about it … I’ve learnt to embrace my illness and I hope that other people can too! Depression is not a choice. Depression is no-one’s fault!

I’m a great lover of finding positive things to do to feel a sense of achievement and to successfully distract myself from harming myself I’ve tried so many new things to find what works for me and I’m sure there’s something out there for everyone! My biggest passions are music, DVDs and singing! I will always be found doing at least one of these because it allows me to escape! I also believe that pets can be amazing for people like myself because they’ll always stick by you whatever happens and can comfort you when you’re low and play when you’re feeling up to it! 

I think what will always be one of my favourite quotes is:

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson 

These are two of my most inspirational ones and that get me through some horrible moments and I hope that one day will be true for me too:

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know that just to be alive is a grand thing.” – Agatha Christie

“In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus

Things WILL get better!! Don’t be afraid to speak out!

Graeme’s story

I want to tell you about two journeys. They both involve me, but are quite separate in some ways. The first is a journey through poor mental health and the second, a new venture, involves a bicycle.

My journey through poor mental health began at the age of 17 years. At 52 years, it isn’t over, and probably never will be. A series of increasingly intense and difficult breakdowns built to a crescendo six years ago. The last one saw me lose everything, my home, teaching career, partner, money and self respect. I almost gave up on life, but somehow didn’t. Just as I thought it couldn’t get worse, both my parents, and then my sister died, one a year in 2007, 2008 and 2009.

For the last six years I’ve had excellent support from my doctor, psychiatrist and psychotherapist. Drugs help prop me up and help me sleep, but I still fall down the well on a regular basis. I attend talking therapy weekly and have learned many things about my illness. Based in deep seated trauma, I have elements of Borderline Personality Disorder. I live life as two people, one damaged and vulnerable, the other a capable man. There are also elements of clinical depression and extreme anxiety that add to this.

I’d cried almost continuously for four years as the pent up emotion of thirty years broke free. After my sister died, I stopped crying for a while, shut down, and went to Scotland on my motorcycle to try and find some solace and peace. After only eight days away, my emotions ruptured again, I entered another period of crisis and headed home. Before that I noticed people cycle touring and remembered how I used to enjoy it, some twenty years ago.

On my return I gave my bike away bought a bicycle. My concentration was appalling and my fitness worse. I weighed around 15 stone, smoked, drank too much and ate an atrocious diet. As I began to gently explore, I opened my eyes and became more mindful. I live near the Tarka Trail, part of Sustrans National Cycle Network, where I could pedal in peace. Traffic free, it met my needs for silence, and I began to enjoy it.

I’d not been pedalling long when I announced to my doctor and therapist that I wanted to cycle the entire UK coast for charity. I’m sure they thought I was delusional at that point. I also said I’d give myself 18 months to prepare and get ready. I had to accept that I might fail even before I got to the start.

I’d begun doing a little work for Sustrans. I became a volunteer ranger, looking after part of the Tarka Trail. I loved what Sustrans were doing and called them up, announcing what I wanted to attempt and that I wished to fundraise for them. I was suddenly committed to something that I was miles away from being able to achieve, but it felt good.

I also wanted to talk. I wanted people to understand what it is to live with this type of illness and not to be properly supported or believed. I wanted to challenge that, even if it meant being judged. I also wanted other people to know it was okay to talk and share experiences and to know that it was alright to have a mental health condition. 

For the next 18 months I worked on my fitness, rode preparation tours, gaining sponsorship, funds and losing weight. I learned to listen to my body and mind in a way I never had previously. I still smoked, but all but gave up drinking, changed my diet, and most of all I just pedalled and listened to what I was being told. At times I took more steps backwards than forwards, but something always happened to move me in the right direction. I slowly learned to manage and ask for help when I needed it.

People got behind me and the ride and I began to feel more like a cyclist. All too soon, I was stood at the start, quaking, tearfully emotional, and racked with anxiety. I had a cycle and trailer, a box of camping equipment, and it was time to leave. I simply had to start pedalling and all would be well as I knew from my preparation.

For four months, and over 4000 miles, I lived the most amazing, and simple life, travelling solo around our coast. I saw incredible things, places, people and scenery. There were moments of despair, panic attacks and fear. There were many huge physical and mental barriers but I enjoyed every day. I found that when things went wrong, something always happened to put it right again. In short, it was remarkable. On September 4th, 2011, I sat at the point where I left the trail in May and wept. My journey complete, for now at least.

Returning home, my body and mind went into freefall. Who was I now? Had this made any difference? What would become of me? I began to write and didn’t stop. I used my journals to tell my story, not just the cycling but the illness too. The winter was the worst I’ve experienced in six years as I readjusted to life and began to see a new way forward. The emotional rupturing tore me in two, but I knew I wouldn’t break again. I am learning, very slowly, that it’s just a part of me, and without it I wouldn’t be who I am.

My first book, Riding2Recovery: a journey within a journey, tells my story so far.  I published it a couple of weeks ago as a paper book and an Ebook. Feedback from those reading it has given me the heart to carry on with my two journeys. Damaged Graeme and Graeme the Man are getting to know one another. I think they’ll become friends in time.

I’m riding again this year, fundraising for Mind and talking to people.  I’m joining Sustrans as a guest on their own fundraiser, the Devon coast to coast in May. I’ll give a presentation about my ride last year, something else I’ve begun to develop. Then I’ll ride with them to Plymouth, before heading to Lands End to start Riding2Recovery 2, UK Extremes.

This ride will take me to the northern Shetland Isles, via south west England, Irelands Atlantic coast, the Highlands, Outer Hebrides, north west Scotland and Orkney Isles. I’ll travel alone once again with a box full of camping gear and faith in the outcome.

It’s another major challenge for me, both physically and mentally. I’ll be forced to use ferries, trains and aircraft to link the sections together. A terrifying prospect, but one I’ll overcome by taking one step at a time, just last year.

I didn’t do last year’s journey alone. Many people supported me and became part of the ride, encouraging me when I was a long way from home, on my own and lonely. I hope that this year will be the same, because I can’t so it without you.

I learned so much from Round Britain-Ride2Recovery and from writing. I learned that all is not lost, that I can dream and achieve. I learned that people won’t judge me, and that as long as I ask for help, it arrives. Best of all I learned that I could feel alive again, and not feel ashamed, and that people in the UK are generally good people, empathetic and non judgemental. Many have their own stories, and many are glad to be able to talk openly, a chance to share something difficult or painful.

If you would like to follow progress or buy/ preview the book you can simply follow the links from my website: www.graemewillgress.com. Otherwise you can search using the title at www.blurb.com, for the paper book, and www.amazon.co.uk for the Ebook It’s downloadable to Kindles, iPhones, iPads, iPods, Windows Pc’s/laptops, Mac’s,  using Kindles free software to read it. Buying it will help me to continue riding and talking into the future.

To make a donation to Mind, visit my page at www.justgiiving.com/Riding2Recovery or simply text CNQY98 to 70070 with the amount you wish to donate. 100% will go to Mind and there is no service charge.

Whatever you dream of doing, hang onto it, it can still happen. It may not happen exactly as you envisaged. IBt may take you, like me, in a completely different direction, but life can still be exciting, rewarding and challenging, despite the hurdles in our way.

Simon’s story

In 2007 my life fell apart. I lost my home, long-term partner, friends, a career I loved (facilitating the emotional development of young people), and my freedom, I was sectioned under the mental health act owing to a rather extreme psychotic manic episode.  Life became so difficult that I had to move into supported housing.  I spent the next two and a half year’s switching between mania and depression coupled with a few more hospitalisations.  Note: most ‘mental’hospitals are terrible but there was this one in Huntingdon, Cambridgeshire, which had great food, allowed me a little privacy, and days were full of activity 9are you listening other unnamed localities?!

Living on anti-psychotics wasn’t much fun either! A brain like mine isn’t meant to be sedated 24/7, I didn’t want to sleep for 18 hours of the day/night, and I didn’t like having to live on a 700 calorie diet just to maintain the 17 stones I had somehow managed to reach (people on anti-psychotics will know what I mean – it isn’t owing to us eating shed loads!) I had always looked after myself – lost the motivation when, no matter what I did, it didn’t work.

Note: I still take mood stabilisers (Lamotragine works for me and makes me photosensitive to the sun – meaning I tan easy – every cloud but I made the conscious choice to try to come off of those anti-psychotic bad boys. Professionals didn’t like it but why shouldn’t I be able to exercise choice and take a chance/risk? I’m personally glad I did. Yes, I am more prone to hypomania but I am happier. My choice.

Then, as luck has it, a support worker called Ben (or Hakan as he is referred to in his native tongue) came to work at the high needs supported housing project I called home.  He got straight down to business. He saw his role as a facilitator of recovery – not a carer or support worker.  He looked at me and my life in the round.  And then..  he began to facilitated my recovery; a change in my thought and attitude; he helped me to acknowledge my strengths; he said I could achieve great things; he said I was worth it and talented. He believed in me and in the concept of ‘social recovery’ he made me believe in these two twin pillars also.  It gave me the drive and desire to put my 5p’s worth into making things happen. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but Zorro just had to make his stand! J

In 2009 in-spite of continuing symptoms/episodes I began to consider returning to the world of work.  A lot of people had reservations about me doing this.  I had my own fears.  My self-esteem and confidence were still pretty low.  Things had gone badly for me before in work owing to mania and natural enthusiasm (in terms of the affect this had on relationships with colleagues) and I feared that work could exacerbate my symptoms (even though research suggests this is a myth.)  Stress is not a unitary concept. Different things stress me more than others. Work stress doesn’t affect me as badly say as the break up of a relationship (catch my drift?) I also had some worries about handling the structure and routine that work demanded given that I had lacked this for so long.  To add to the mix there was also the age old worry of coming off benefits; lots of built in disincentives within that trap.

I applied for a number of jobs over a six month period but to no avail.  This in-spite of my educational attainment: I am a graduate in Psychology and undertook a post graduate course in Youth & Community Work, what is more I had years of experience!!  I believe this was down to two major issues; me being out of work for over a year and a half and me being honest about my cerebral health difficulties on the application forms.  In other words, this was down to stigma and discrimination.  I wanted to work because I remember how much better I felt in it.  I hated the life I was living, the life I worried I was consigned to; a life of unemployment and social exclusion paired with a lack of self-esteem, social contact, structure, routine and identity (and invariably low social economic status) that often came with being ‘mental’, unemployed and living in supported housing.  Life was, well, moribund! I had nothing to do, nobody to see, drank excessive amounts of alcohol, became totally dependent on being‘taken care of’ and struggled to get up and clean my flat, do my dishes, brush my teeth, put on clean clothes, even change my pants! Leaving the house to buy alcohol was the highlight of the day but also quite a scary thing to face up to doing. Still the need to feel different would always cease the day back then.

I was also scared of recovery and the reduction of support and added responsibility that it would entail. Would at one stage of even been prepared to have acted more ‘sick’ than I was! Darn scared.

Again, as luck has it, in late 2009 the Colebrook Management Committee asked me to deliver a presentation to them on the barriers to employment I had faced.  Then, given my role as Chair of Plymouth Involvement and participation Service (PIPS) – a service user led service (which Ben encouraged me to go for), I was asked to present these issues to a number of other groups including the ‘Mental’ Health Local Implementation Team (LIT) and the ‘Plymouth Mental Health Networking Group’.  Supporting People Commissioners then caught wind of this and encouraged me to apply for a small pot of money to deliver a number of ‘Cerebral’ Health and Employment Workshops.

I have never looked back! I had to setup as self-employed in-order to deliver these training sessions.  That was scary because if it all went wrong and I couldn’t handle it or I had to go back on benefits would I lose out? It often seems to me that you are penalised in this country for trying to get well.  Stay at home and live in isolation and we’ll give you the most support but if……

Back to self-employment Simon! So, I started up a company called Cerebral Health.  I use the term ‘cerebral’ instead of ‘mental’ because I feel that the term ‘mental’ has too many negative connotations associated with it.  It conjures up images of mad, unpredictable and dangerous people (obviously in 99% of cases this does not hold true!)  What is more, the term ‘mental’ gives the impression that disorders of the brain are totally under the volitional control of individuals provided they merely pull their socks up.  This is not the case.  Cerebral health conditions are the result of chemical imbalances and hard wired neural networks within the brain and are therefore difficult to control without the use of medication and other types of therapeutic interventions.  I’m not saying that how you view the world, how you act towards others, and what you do to take care of yourself can’t allow you to live a fulfilling life….  Just read on!  Anyhow, that is why I coined the term ‘Cerebral Health’ (Cerebral pertains to the brain) as a means to do away with the stigmatising term ‘mental’. 

The training went really well.  The feedback was excellent.  And to this day remains so (96% rate all of my training as excellent; refer to Cerebral Health on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/FounderMember – a little plug J).  I now have some big contracts to deliver training courses to a number of organisations around various cerebral health matters.  Moreover, I am in discussions with the University of Plymouth to deliver some lectures and workshops around this subject and I have also put some research proposals forward around cerebral health to them and the Peninsula Medical School which have been well received.  If I am fortunate enough to obtain some funding for a few of the proposals, I hope to be able to take on some individuals with cerebral health difficulties to assist me to undertake the research.  Hopefully this will create some good quality work opportunities for people who are generally disadvantaged in the labour market.  I am also looking for more individuals with cerebral health difficulties to give some talks to groups around the difficulties they experience.   

I originally produced the majority of the above biography in March of last year. Since then I have designed an innovative (mostly evidence based   ) Employment Support Intervention for people with severe and enduring cerebral health problems which is being partially funded by the Strategic Health Authority (other funders are coming on-board too), I am collaborating with a number of organisations around different projects ranging from the arts to community interventions, I have gone on to design 4 more courses around social recovery, cerebral health awareness, learning disabilities (or as I prefer to say ‘abilities of a different kind’), I have undertaken lots of consultancy work, am a named applicant on a national research project fronted by Professor Helen Lester with potential international significance/relevance (this has a potential doctorate program for me tied in – if the bid is successful – an innovative doctorate research proposal I devised), I am also working with RETHINK on a project around social networks in rural communities for people with severe mental illness. And what local board don’t I sit on?  I am soon to become a Community Interest Company (CIC) and am happy with life. I continue to have manic episodes but hey, what the heck!? Better than living in my head at home alone….. I have intimate relationships now, I have my own place, I can control my weight, I go the gym daily, I go to yoga class, Wing Chun king Fu, I have friends, make use of my spare time, don’t struggle to brush my teeth or do my dishes, go to drama class, and sometimes pinch myself and do the odd cartwheel. In 2007 I tried to take my life and ended up in a coma.

Now, you may have read the above and may be thinking what an ego-centric maniac. That is fine, for those of you that are in despair, get in touch with BLURT, with me, or the other hopefuls out there; Life can get better and better. You’re the ones I hope ‘get this’, you’re the ones that matter to me. Believe me, you could even end up having an intimate relationship (two thirds of us with severe ‘mental’ health problems don’t even have that opportunity)!

I have done what I have done because, like the lovely people at BLURT, I am an IMP (innovative, Motivated and Passionate). I have seen pain and suffering which I hope none of you have to experience directly or witness. I vowed to make a difference. I will continue to keep to my vow.

Just remember this one phrase if nothing else……. Every cloud……….

You can follow Simon on Twitter @cerebral_health or visit his blog http://cerebralhealth.wordpress.com/